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A Feeling Librarian: In My Feelings

I've been on a mindfulness journey since November 2018, teaching weekly free meditation classes at my public library, and consequently setting out on a daily personal meditation and mindfulness practice. This has expanded into working through self-compassion, learning how to accept myself, my feelings, and embrace them, sit with them, name them, and be kind to myself.
Holy cow, that is not easy and it can be very overwhelming at times.

I think I'm most surprised about how many feelings and how often I feel overwhelming feelings; both positive and negative ones.

At the leadership institute retreat is where I started this journey and met other librarians who were very open, and identified as "empaths." they quickly opened up to me and helped me realize I guess I am one of these, too.

I used to HATE that my mom was so emotional when i was a kid- I didn't know at the time that she had been living, undiagnosed, with bipolar disorder, so her moods were extreme and swinging wildly. As a result, I always associated being "emotional" with unsound, or undisciplined. I unknowingly tried my hardest (read, hard work!) to cultivate the sound judgement, stoic, knowledge-driven part of myself, and wanted to leave all those emotions behind.

As I finished my bachelor's degree, and was disillusioned about my chosen career path not happening (I wanted to paint, draw and throw pottery), I began to realize I didn't know as much as I thought I knew. There wasn't a Plan B, I had no money, and I fell into being a librarian. Of course, this played right into my quest for knowledge, love of technology, and great ability to organize and understand schemas, but this also meant helping people. People who are full of problems, emotions, feelings, and needs. 

Today, as I dig deeper and learn more about energy healing, the chakras, dream interpretations, and surround myself with likeminded others, I have really decided that connecting with myself and connecting with others is very important and fulfilling, but so is the need for myself to be in balance. To embrace the analytical part of me, and also the part that is developing empathy. I do not have to be one or the other, but an ever-changing dynamic being, focusing more on energy than physical, and enjoying where that's leading.

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